If I Were a Boy: Beyonce and one girl's experience crossing cultures

I love Philly in the summer. a lot.

This past week, I have been inundated with 'man' culture. I had two homeless boys (i.e. friends) living in my living room. Spent the majority of my evenings watching professional sporting events and generally was only able to hang out with a small number of fellow females. The result of all this boy stuff? a lot of fun. probably the most fun week I have had this summer so far. But by the end of it all, following a disappointing evening at smokes (the magic lost) in which I was one girl in a group of six boys, I was complaining to my friends that I felt that people were beginning to think of me as less of a girl.

I think that in a very simplified way, this experience is very much a microcosm for the process and anxiety of crossing cultures. I'm going to preface this with a warning that what follows is going to present an extremely reduced view on man/woman culture (basically the type of attitudes/interests/etc which American culture says that men/women should be interested in). My excuse is that I'm really not interested in talking about what constitutes male/female american culture but want to make some general observation about intersecting cultures. Obviously, I am not unfamiliar with 'boy culture'. I have a brother, played sports during my childhood, went to co-ed schools, live in normal society, etc. Although I wouldn't describe myself as a girly girl and can usually relate to men, I am fully aware that many of the things that I enjoy immensely are unappealing/uninteresting to the majority of guys I know. For example, I aspire to own one of those really small, useless dogs (toy poodle/maltese/bichon frise/yorkshire terrier) and enjoy shows like "Sex and the City"/"The Hills." The point being there are numerous ways that I perceive myself to be part of a certain culture, which most people would affirm me in, that is not man culture.

And thus begins my realizations: perception is one of the main things that continues to make interactions across different cultures problematic. The problem of course is that for minorities, the very process of intentionally interacting with different people, especially those who are part of a dominant culture, can result in a very real shift in how 'much of a minority' they are perceived to be. Thus, my concern that by spending too much time with men I would somehow become less of a women. I think the fact that terms like "twinky," "oreo" or "coconut," among others, are fairly casually applied demonstrates the extent to which cultural interactions come at a cost. Yadda yadda, it's hard to be a minority, cry me a river... But before you tune out, I think that unity is something that is really close to God's heart and I think that this emotional response, the fear of being seen as less of who we think we are, is one of the biggest impediments to that.

Yesterday, I went to see Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, the author of Half of a Yellow Sun, at the Philadelphia Library. 1) read this book please...(btw why didn't i learn any African history at any point in my college or high school career!?!?!?! FAIL.) 2)During the q and a session after her talk, she spoke a little bit about her experiences with black americans as a Nigerian immigrant. One key thing that she highlighted that she initially sought to differentiate herself from black americans because of their position within society. Thus, in very much the same way that I wasn't particularly eager to be seen as a boyish girl, she resisted being viewed as a black-american -ish immigrant.

I don't really have a deep analysis of these observances. But I will say that I would be willing to bet that this fear of being seen as something other than what we are probably prevents a lot of cross cultural interactions. Just saying...


Good songs:
"Lightworks" by DOOM
"Cinder and Smoke" by Iron & Wine
"Beautiful, Dirty, Rich" by Lady Gaga

I am not what they call "eloquent"

I gave a little psuedo-speech about intentionality at senior night but I felt a little weird about it because I usually don't talk about things so earnestly, so I just had to write it out. For all interested parties:

The other day, I was trying to come up with the most dangerous/most positive life philosophy that I have absorbed from Penn during my four years here. I'm still working on pinpointing exactly what the most positive one was but I definitely know which was the most dangerous. The most dangerous, pervasive thing that I can pinpoint is this generalized casualness. On the one hand, Penn is a very pre-professional school at which it's considered normal for people to make choices in terms of academics from the beginning of their time here. I'm not against planning but at the end of the day, a person is made up of more than just their intellect, so why is it ok to have such a passive, casual relationship to everything else? On a super simplified, most basic level everyone is made up of an emotional self, physical self, intellectual self, and spiritual self. If you live in just one part of that you will be in a lot of pain. And because Penn is populated with so many smart people I think that the most natural response to that is to kind of just try and live within the intellectual sphere while neglecting the rest of yourself. But you can't. The most obvious, super-simplified example: if you spend months and months feeding your intellectual self through studying quantum physics and you don't eat anything....your physical body and consequently you will die. I don't think death is limited to the physical, I definitely believe there is such a thing as spiritual death. More general, if you are living too much in one of these aspects of your identity will always result in some sort of death. I know so many people at Penn who are ruled by their emotions without even being aware of it. And I've actually found that the people who seem or claim to be least emotional tend to be the ones who simply suck their emotional dysfunction into some other aspect of their life. All that to say, count the cost of the choices you make.

Be aware of where you spend your time and know that the small choices you make in terms of time expenditures have very real results. If you are in school or even if you're not are scheduling your life in a way that will feed all of you or just part of you? It's not ok or healthy to spend every waking moment of your life doing school work (not to say it is ok to be lazy). It's also not ok to be extremely casual in determining who you form relationships with. and so on. You're so precious so act like it! I'm not saying to avoid things that are hard but I do think that it's important to go into situations using wisdom and with both your eyes open. So if you decide to pursue something academically (deciding to be pre-med for example) just know that comes with a time cost that will most definitely effect your emotional, physical, and spiritual self. Similarly, I think it's important to actually be intentional in prayerfully picking your friends as opposed to just settling for the friends that are around you the most or easiest to relate to. Any significant relationship, friend or otherwise, that you form is going to mean that you are entrusting that person with some of your emotional well being, so make sure there going to be a good steward of that!

Speaking of Intentions:
I struggle with knowing if/when I should care about the intentions of others in relation to myself. Like I understand that from a God-perspective, intentions matter. But I am still unsure as to whether or not I have to care about other people's intentions when they cause me harm. Earlier this year someone really unnecessary hurt me but when I confronted them about it they emphasized that they meant well. When it comes down to it though: who cares? If you did something that resulted in me getting hurt I just don't see why it should matter to me whether it was accidental or intentional and why you should expect me to react any differently. So if someone is reading this and has any strong opinions please comment or call me or w/e. I'm curious. Btw there is definitely a difference between meaning well and having good intentions....but that's a whole other story.

Bobby Got a Shadfly Caught in His Hair

I will update in depth later. but i am still alive. Life is so sweet all the time and even when it isn't, there's a lot to find in its bitterness.

Piano Lessons

There were no black-eyed angels
on her mantel, nothing at all really to
remind me of my parents. So if
I played the notes wrong
Why should I have cared?

I wasn’t very good.
Every key I touched
turned to blood. So if a
sound or two managed to escape,
it probably wasn’t music.

Easter Sunday

Above me, white flowers
bloom from the lines
of the tree’s palms.

I think of your hands
flowering, your mouth
speaking roses into soil.
Even in life, you always knew
how to resurrect yourself.

Now dormant beneath my feet,
your perennial face is
husked in death,
the fullest bulb.

Imprecise

My grandmother never believed in precision.
She had a vague face and beige
approximations for hands.

There was magic in the way
she’d paint her deep irises a vacant black
when the hard questions came.

Even her darkness became
a kind of light, her survival,
necessary alchemy.

She could smile right out of your grip
before you knew what happened,
never needed to differentiate
between propriety and blindness.

My grandmother didn’t believe
in anything other than beauty,
coiled what was left inside of her—
a strand of barbed wire.

Sabbath Economics and Wawa

So I must basically rescind my previous hatred of the poetry section of the new yorker. I realized that for as much as I claim to hate it, I actually read it on a pretty regular (almost daily) basis. tricky tricky new yorker. you win this time.

We had creator/creation and I was really astounded by the breadth of people's talent. Everyone did an amazing job and apparently Jean Lee is like secretly a concert pianist (!!!). I ended up reading a poem since everyone else was doing music stuff so that was interesting as it was onlythe third time I've read anything to people outside of a classroom.

I have such a soft spot for artistic people. I honestly feel like someone could be completely insane and I would never notice if they were a great writer/musician/artists/dancer/etc. I would probably just be like 'that new poem you wrote was pretty sweet. oh btw would you like to put on some pants/ stop peeing in jars? no? That was a really phenomenal poem.' I seriously want to stay at an artist colony for like a month at some point in my life. as well as join a band. and write a novel.

On an unrelated note, I am going to miss the wawa by the quad. I went in there today and ordered a Chicken Salad sandwich and after I paid for it the woman behind the counter was like 'actually we only have egg salad." Egg salad you say? Why that's pretty much the exact same thing! what with both things being on a slice of bread and all. virtually no difference. Oh Wawa. Some of the best years of my life have been spent standing in your line. In fact, my favorite family memory would be when my sister and I witnessed one of the people behind the sandwich counter get into an argument with a generic frat douche and throw his food at him. classic.

Lately I have been reading Sabbath Economics with a bunch of peeps and the issue of abundance has really been sticking out to me. I consider myself to be an economic expert amongst my fellow English majors since I've taken 4 econ courses here and took AP Econ in high school (the qualifications needed to be a self-proclaimed econ expert amidst english majors are surprisingly quite low). But one big difference between sabbath v. non-sabbath economic systems is the belief/lack thereof in abundance. Obviously, scarcity is a pretty foundational principle in economics. All that aside, I have a theory that scarcity is also a foundational principle in the way that many people live their lives. I feel like everyone knows that person who you resent for having everything. LIke that guy/girl who you just find yourself thinking 'they are not that great.' If you can't think of anyone, my suggestion would be to remember high school...I know when I was in high school there was this one boy who everyone adored, always was every teacher's favorite, was a good athlete, was super nice,was a very gifted artist, and won awards for everything. And it drove me up the wall. But at the end of the day, I wish I could tell the high school Sarah "Abundance! Abundance and Freedom!!!" Freedom especially because it is a kind of slavery, this belief that good things are scarce. If there's not enough to go around then you can never stop! If God only created one perfect girl and you're not dating me (ha!) then the world's pretty much hopeless and you should really take out whoever it takes. Same thing, if there's only a finite number of jobs out there that can make you happy..... slavery is slavery. I'm not saying competition doesn't and shouldn't exist but I do think that it is pretty important to be aware that it is quite possible to become chained to a compulsive need to 'win.'

Freedom is my favorite. Unfortunately, i should be writing a paper right about....now.