A House Divided

So Barak won. I have been really surprised by the reactions of some of the christians I know. I have like three different friends from my church in jersey whose status was something along the lines 'america you made the wrong decision and you get what you deserve." Like seriously? Does God really call you to rejoice in the future suffering of this nation? And can you really be a Christian and believe you got what you deserved? How is that helpful?

Today my mom forwarded me an e-mail from Dutch Sheets explaining why Obama's election was not God's will. Well, I know God (which is not to say that I know what his will was for the election). But who the fuck is Dutch Sheets? Because he wrote a couple of books on prayer he gets to tell me what God's will is? THIS IS THE PROBLEM!!!!!! Everyone is listening to someone else. We should just burn all the bibles because apparently no one can read them for themselves. I would say that 99% of the conversation that I heard leading up to the election from christians were "Well my pastor says this." Well guess what? I really don't care what your pastor thinks. what do you think? what does God think?

The thing that this election makes me wonder the most is whose pastor was it who decided that the only way to stop abortion was through presidential elections? Anyone who knows me knows that I make it a point to never talk about my personal political beliefs. This is in the most part due to the fact that I think it's usually more useful to listen. But here's a freebie: I am pro-life. With that said, I honestly believe that the day that abortions are no longer performed in the United States will be the day that Jesus comes back to earth. Even if the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, I personally have had conversations with medical professionals who have said that if it were illegal they would still perform them. And I think that anyone who has grown up in a super liberal state such as NJ or MA will admit that there would be more than enough doctors who believe so strongly in abortion rights that abortion could never really be outlawed more than just on paper. More importantly, the Supreme Court has the most direct impact on the legality of abortion and all the president does is appoint people who might be pro-life (or who might be willing to say whatever it takes to be on the Supreme Court!). And even if they do not decide in favor of abortion rights, they can simply drastically reduce the amount of cases they hear like the Rehnquist Court did.

I'm not saying to give up but what I am saying is evangelicals need to stop pretending that they don't personally play a role in the amount of women having abortions. Women don't just chose to have abortions because they like to kill babies. How many christians actually go to churches that have used their benevolence funds to help a single mother or even have day care services? And even in the case of women who have been raped and get abortions, when have you ever heard a sermon or a christian friend speak out against sexual violence? I have been to dozens of churches over the course of my lifetime and i cannot recall ever hearing a sermon speaking out against rape. not one. So why should it surprise us that women get abortions when they're raped when we as a community don't even provide a space for them to address this trauma!?!?!?

Basically what I'm trying to say is maybe if people took as much time actually living out their beliefs as they did bitching about how Obama is leading our country towards godlessness this nation would be in a different position. If you actually believe in God, I think he deserves more than this inconsistent passivity.

Psuedo-Update

I was crossing the street yesterday and this guy was riding his bicycle and was singing the chorus to that wuthering heights song. It was really weird and random.

My parents and I are now finally somewhat on the same page about my tentative plans for next year. ALL BEND TO MY WILL EVENTUALLY. (just kidding.)

I'm kind of intrigued about the upcoming election. Jessica is convinced that if Obama gets elected there is going to be a slew of racial violence that is going to take place in the deep south. Conversely, I think that if he doesn't get elected, black people will probably never vote again.

On that note, we had the most amazing speaker at IV this past week on racial reconciliation. It was really cool because there was such a wide range of people who were touched by what she had to say. She told this story about this African-American pastor that she worked with who bought a house in the deep south with a white pastor and they moved their families in and lived together for 13 years for the express purpose of working together to serve the oppressed and figure out what racial reconciliation really is. And that is the difference between diversity and reconciliation.

I have experienced diversity my entire life. It has been interesting, it has at times been incredibly awkward, and often entertaining. But it has never been real. In this sense, I mean diversity that brings people together for the purpose of having different people together or because we're supposed to want to have friends who are somewhat different than us. Seriously, if you think about it diversity as its usually sought has no purpose. The only thing it is working towards is a nebulous sense of how we should feel. There's no real connection necessary. For example, I spoke to a friend of a friend last week who made a series of mildly offensive comments. And I wasn't upset because it was like hey i know this person means well and they're not my problem. Basically, I didn't care about them enough to deal with possibly making them upset even if that's what they need.

In contrast to this attitude, an attitude of reconciliation is different. It requires a level of vulnerability that I usually don't have. It requires actually articulating the things that really hurt, both myself and others. It means saying and hearing stuff that is real and honest and sometimes ugly. Quite a calling and i'm not really sure what to do with that.....

Wuthering Heights

So we're reading Wuthering Heights in one of my classes and I thought of this video. It is probably the most ridiculous thing I have seen and my friend Karen is obsessed with it. Thank God the 80s ended.

The part where she creepily sings 'i hated you, I loved you too,' brings up a central part of the book that i recently discussed with a friend. It is incorrect that love and hate opposites. When in reality, they both imply attraction of some kind. One way or another your thinking about that person a lot. The real opposite of love is indifference. This notion is actually scarier to me. I am indifferent to a lot of people and a lot systems that keep my life comfortable while oppressing someone else, so essentially the life I lead is a testament to a severe lack of love. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one for whom this is true.

Hate is actually more of a counterfeit of love than it's opposite because it's all attraction and no sincere concern. I'm a big believer in counterfeits. By this I mean that I think the world was intended to be full of beautiful things but the way that things are currently beautiful things end up twisted and perverse. For example, the summer before freshman year, I worked at a day care center. There was a kid, named David, who clearly showed signs of autism but his mom refused to believe it. She was in my opinion a perversion of what a mother should be. When you first meet her you think she's the best mother in the world because she dresses her kid so nicely and has the appearance of a good mom. But in reality, she was probably one of the worst mothers i've ever met because her relationship with David was completely self-serving, it was entirely about how he made her look. So what was meant to have been a beautiful, fulfilling relationship was just plain ugly. All that aside, I have been thinking about my friends and what paths they're going down and I think that the urge to counterfeit oneself is so strong. Pretty much all of my friends could make themselves into something else simply because they are talented and capable. And most of the people a school like Penn attracts can do this. Musicians can turn themselves into bankers or accountants, filmakers into physicians, etc. because they can and that's what people expect they will do.

I have been thinking a lot about my next step lately. And trying to honestly evaluate what I love and if i'm really ready to leave behind English/literature/writing. Over fall break, I was talking to my dad and he was complaining about his 401K getting destroyed and I told him that I don't think retirement is necessarily biblical. Obviously wisdom and planning are a good thing when it comes to finances. But at the same time, if you're doing a job in eager anticipation of when you can leave it behind then maybe that's just not what you're supposed to be doing. More importantly, what is the point of retiring? Is it really healthy to just stop working and wait around until... you die?

umm...no thanks.

Lynching

It is not corkscrews in flesh,
Folded body hung
Like fetid laundry in papered air,
And the darkly aromatic scent.

Nor is it the velvety red strips
Of James Byrd, Jr.’s face
Against the hard asphalt
And the cruelty of consciousness.

It is the moment before the moment exists
The surprise, the submission to it.

The Thirteenth Amendment

I took the LSATs on Saturday...hopefully, I am free now. What I mean by that if I did poorly then I will have to take them again which is just the worst thought ever. This past week, I was so freaking stressed I was seriously roaming penn's campus like a crazed homeless person. Saddest thing ever: I have missed class night all four years of IV. Best thing ever: emancipation (from the LSATs) celebrations are in order.

In other news, I accidentally said the word bitch today while I was making a comment in class. It was really unnecessarily awkward. My goal is to fit one expletive in every time I make a comment. I have no real reason to do this other than I think it's hilarious and I'm curious to see if the professor will eventually say anything. Today he kind of made a face and then agreed with the point that I was making. Basically, I have been reflecting on how this is really the last year for me to do something stupid before it really ruins my life. So find me some authority figures to piss off and bring on the ill-advised love affairs. Or better yet can someone just show me how not to avoid confrontation?


"it's been one hell of a crazy
ballgame"~ Bukowski

(yea i know...so pretentious)

Update #2

As per my earlier post: I have a friend who saw the police report (long story) apparently I was right...the burglar wasn't trying to steal anything, he was just trying to look in on girls changing. So much less creepy....Also in the police report I am described as a white female. That must have been why the cops actually showed up.

I am thinking of just changing my name to Shaniqua Stewart-Jackson. I think it would end a lot of confusion.

Update

Update:

I have been thinking about the whole burglar thing from a different angle and really it was a blessing that I was studying LSATs when he was climbing my fire escape. I actually think that if I hadn't seen him he could have really hurt someone. I do think that his intention was to do just that because normally if people are going to steal something they do it during the day when people aren't home as opposed to 1am on a weekday night in which case someone will must assuredly will be in their apartment. That and the things that he could steal out of a college students room are of limited value. The three most expensive things that I have in my apartment that you could carry out of a window (i.e. not my couch) are like my tv, hair straightener, and my laptop none of which would be worth enough to get arrested for. I feel like this is the case for most college students. I highly doubt that anyone has like heirloom jewelry or a ferrari with them at school.

Tomorrow morning I may or may not have to go down to the DAs office and give a statement or some crap. Who knows. Philadelphia is an incredibly disorganized city. On the bright side, I spoke to a police officer yesterday (the boys next door were inexplicably playing on the fire escape and one of my neighbors got scared and called them) and she doesn't think he would be out for awhile because apparently there are a ton of charges against him. I've decided that I want to want to pray for him. I was doing some research on James Byrd Jr., who was dragged to death in '98 by white supremacists for a poem that I was writing for class and I came across this really powerful article about his son. His son believes so strongly that life is sacred that he protested the execution of his father's killers. That is just the most insanely beautiful thing I have heard today. And I think my class liked the poem.

I am tired. I am stressed. But I am excited about the people in my life. So life kind of averages out to be delicious.