On Thursday, I caught a burglar on my fire escape. He's in custody but I can't help but feel like I'm just as confined as he is . There's more to the story and that actually wasn't the first time he was on the fire escape but I don't want to think about it. I am tired of being scared. On thursday I slept at a friends in Harrison, on Friday I made luis sleep on my coach (between my room and the fire escape), and yesterday I had a veritable garrison of IV guys sleeping in my apartment (shout out to my homies josh,bill, zach, and luis). Tonight, I was originally planning on staying in Harrison but I have to pull an all nighter so I am debating whether I should just stay here because I am less likely to fall asleep. Someone keeps calling my phone from an 'unknown' number, which of course started after Thursday. They called on Friday and then 4 times today (i stopped picking up after the first time where they just repeated 'hello?who is this?' over and over again). I have been so stressed from this and from the LSATs and from school that I got really sick. I initially thought it was food poisoning but now I think that it might just be stress. I haven't been able to keep anything down that isn't saltines or ginger ale.
On Friday morning, one of my friends e-mailed me a recording of me singing 'How He Loves Us' from early this summer. It was supposed to make me feel less scared because the song is about how much God loves us and thus presumably would care that we're scared that some deranged psycho is going to come through my window and stab us to death. But it actually had the reverse effect because I think I have a very young sounding voice. (This has always been one of the great tragedies of my life that I don't have like a gritty, soulful voice. Like one of those voices were you're just like 'HOT DAMN THAT'S A BLACK PERSON SANGING!" maybe I should take up smoking?) Anyways, so when I listened to the song I was like holy crap, I am small. I am not 5'11" like my sister. I am not a 6'4" black man like I usually feel I am. I probably can't beat up half of the people that I think that I can. And bullets aren't my only weakness.
I am vulnerable, but not powerless. And I'm definitely ready to stop feeling afraid.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Hurt Me Soul
Posted by Sarah S at 10:44 PM
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2 comments:
You're always welcome to stay with me, Sarah Stew. Or maybe I can stay with you, and we can make it a girly slumber party...with pepper spray. :)
Yo, take her up on that jawn. I wouldn't want to cross AC, with or without mace.
Dude, if you think that being 5'11" would make everything better, or that bullets could get near you with your Father protecting you, then we need to talk.
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